The War Within Me

Heart InjectionThere is a very real war being fought inside of me.

My immune system has decided to attack my entire body with full intent to bring back no survivors. Little cells gone wild within have joined forces, calling themselves Rheumatoid Disease (RD), and have decided to attack my joints; they think my joints are the Enemy.

They also think any area of the body that has synovial membranes, is also the enemy--which includes the lining of the heart and lungs. For some reason I have yet to understand, it also attacks my skin and mucous membranes, causing secondary Sjogrens syndrome.

It really is a war.  It especially feels like a war when I inject my own army of blocker-cells (Humira) into my thigh every other week, and those little guys: they mean business!  They bind and they block.  They bind themselves to the those TNF cells (part of the RD army) so they aren't effective in causing inflammation and the TNF's are then blocked.

It kind of reminds me of the story of Gideon when God confused the enemy's army and they all killed each other, or Elisha when he was in battle and God blinded the enemy army!

So I was thinking (of course), about how similar this auto-immune stuff is to a spiritual battle.

Satan and his army are out there to steal, kill and destroy-- just like the RD army is.

And like the Humira army, Jesus is injected into us--into our hearts and He binds the Enemy; He blocks the lies by telling the truth.

With Humira though, it wears off... Jesus doesn't wear off.

Once He's inside, He's there forever.

But, we can loose touch with the Holy Spirit when stop paying attention...stop injecting our hearts with Scriptures and prayer.

We stop obeying.

We start listening to the Enemy.

And the Enemy army starts attacking.

With RD, I feel that attack pretty quickly in my joints.  But I don't feel what's going on deeper within.  Who knows if it's effected my organs or not?  I won't know until something goes wrong.

Sometimes, the Enemy is sneaky like that too.  He slowly pulls us down a road we should not be on and we don't realize it until something goes wrong.

Usually, very wrong.

And it hurts.

And RD hurts.

And we both need a Savior.

We need a good injection of our Binder and Blocker army on a regular basis.

At my small group yesterday, the leader asked me if I had any words of wisdom in all my many years (I just had a birthday) that I would like to share with everyone.

The first thing that came to mind was about my journey in learning to see God in everything: learning to set my mind on the good things, even amongst the bad and being thankful.

Seems simple, but what a battle that has been.

There are times that the battle has been so raging, that I don't want to see the good.  I want to be angry and have my temper tantrum.

But when I choose to stop and find God in that, and focus on God in that, then the lies are blocked, and I can see from a different perspective: God's perspective.

When we are seeing from God's perspective, we are injected with Truth.

And it's light is blinding to the Enemy. And it confuses the Enemy.

And it brings victory in the battle.

I think that I need more frequent injections of my Binder and Blocker army.

You, too?

"But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love endurance and gentleness. Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses." 1 Timothy 6:11-12)




A Valentine: Lessons From Sweet Pea Beauty, Part 2


I remember when the twins were just about one year old.  They were playing together in the living room, and I was thinking about how shockingly beautiful they are to me.

"God, you made them perfect! They are just beautiful!"

"Yes they are, I made them exactly as I intended them to be. And that is how I see you, too."

Struck profoundly by His words to me, and the understanding that I was smack in the presence of a Holy God, I tucked those words in the "do not forget" folder of my heart and sat, processing what He said.

I did not know how God was using those words. But He was, as He crafted together His story; forever enchaining the soon-to-be past to the future.


About a year and a half later, we recognized Sage's autism.

God reminded me of his words, "I made them exactly as I intended them to be. They are perfect." And I was  reminded that God is Holy. He doesn't make mistakes. God knew Sage has autism all along. It was only a surprise to me.

Sage's autism is not an oversight by God; it an essential part of His master plan.

It was a hard word-pill to swallow, to let dwell in me and become flesh. To become part of me.

But when a Holy God speaks truth to a heart, that heart is bent toward it until captured.


God taught me to see the beauty in autism over the years.  He also has taught me to see myself and others in the the same way. He sees every part of us and says it's good.  He created us, and said it is "very good" (Genesis 1:31)

Many times he calls us the Apple of His eye. He passionately pursues us.

Sure, He knows all we do: all our faults, the cellulite in our souls. Still He looks at us and says we are beautiful...more beautiful.

In the words of the King in the story Snoodlerella (by VeggieTales):

I treasure you deeply you're lovely my child.

I think you're beautiful. There's nothing about you I don't truly love.

Of course it is true every word that I say.

Daughter, I am the king and I made you that way.

I delight in your beauty you're wonderfully made.

I knew you before Earth's foundation was laid.


In More Beautiful, Sweet Pea says, "What I thought were imperfections make a world God calls complete"

So often autism is seen as an "imperfection". But God does not.

So often we see ourselves as imperfect, but God does not.

God uses what the world sees as "imperfections" and blends it into his story making it a masterpiece.




Happy Valentines Day everyone!