The first few weeks after realizing Chris had autism, I cried day and night. I felt like I lost my son. I thought I would never hear him talk, say "Mommy". I thought I’d never see him play with friends, maybe never even be happy.
I call my good friend, still in tears. She tells me, “God is holy, he doesn’t make mistakes”. That phrase, that truth, has stuck with me and has been paradigm shifting for me. God knew Chris had autism all along, it wasn’t news to Him. Chris is the same Chris he’d always been, I had just come to realize more about him. More about how God made him.
I didn’t loose him, I lost what I thought I had in him, but never did. Instead, I had the Chris that God planned for me to have, for a reason.
Over time, I came to totally accept Chris’ autism, and to be excited to be chosen to raise him. I was certain that God was going to heal Chris. I thought He’d promised me that. I certainly knew that He could heal him.
Chris gained a lot of skills quickly, once we started speech, OT, and preschool. He was gaining speech quickly and just growing by leaps and bounds! God was healing him! It was so incredible to watch. I was in awe daily at what God was doing in my little boy.
And then it stopped. It seemed like he was actually going backwards, becoming more withdrawn, not making progress...
How could this be happening!!!
I was reading a book by Stormie Omartian called "The Prayer That Changes Everything". She mentioned how sometimes we love God for what he can do for us, instead of for who he is.
Somewhere along the way, I had begun to love God for his healing of Chris. Things were great and I couldn't have been more "on fire" for God while Chris was "being healed". When that stopped, it was like the floor dropped out from under me and I wasn’t so happy with Him! The expectation of healing was what I was standing on.
I realized that night that I needed to love God regardless of whether he healed Chris. I needed to love Him because of all of who He is, not because of all he can do. I needed to package up the promises I thought I had, and lay it at the feet of Jesus. Give it back to him. Let God off the hook. Love God for who he is regardless of what he does or does not do.
It certainly wasn’t easy, but it was good. Seek Him first. That was my calling.
So I did. Chris started coming out of his withdrawn state a bit over the next month or two. I had let God off the hook and I was free to love Chris for who God made him to be. To accept every part of him - autism and all - as perfectly the way God wants him to be.
How about you? Have you held on to something that God can give you more than you have held on to who He is?
Do you need to let God off the hook... and let Him be God?