Today held another hard afternoon for Stevie. The bus rides home have been difficult again. Even after a good day at school today, the ride home was filled with gut wrenching screams accompanied by more aggression than I've seen in a long time. The distress on his face was enough to break even a strangers heart. Mine was trampled, shattered and spread all over the yard.
It's one of the hardest things to do, to send your precious child to school knowing that he may end up in meltdowns and restraints or seclusions. Knowing he is under such great stress, not understood, and often not happy, but sending him to school anyway is purely an act of faith that it is the right thing to do and that God is watching out for him.
But today, today was extra hard. When he arrived home in a state of turmoil, curled under the bus seat screaming and kicking and pulling and scratching at the ed techs that were there to help him, it was just too much to take. What happened to him that he is this upset? What is going on?
The bus screeched off after Stevie was carried and pulled into the yard. He continues his cries, screams and attack, all aimed at me now.
How I wish I knew what the problem with the bus is, what would help him. How I would give anything in these moments to have my boy happy and playful again, and to end these episodes once and for all.
But I have no idea what is causing this. No idea where to turn next, how to advocate for him or even if advocating is needed.
In the midst of my own distress, I sit down to check email and try to distract myself. Pinterest pops up with an image and a verse: Psalm 25:5 "Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long."
Instantly Comfort calms me with whispers from God. He knows the truth of Stevie's situation and He knows the answer to his problems. He is my teacher, my Savior and my hope all day long.
I don't need to worry.
I only need to ask Him for the truth and guidance I need and He will supply it.
We still don't have the solution or even the whole story about what happened today, but I do have a calmness in my spirit that comes with the knowledge that
"Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, every place you go; he's the one who will keep you on track." Proverbs 3:4-5 (The Message)