When I Feel Tired: Stevie’s Perspective


I woke up really early today. I wanted to play on the purple computer so I kept myself awake. When I heard my little sister get up, I got up too so I could ask my dad if I could play. He said it was too early and I would have to wait until 10:00 am. I needed to keep myself awake so I decided to act out one of the movies I really like.  I like acting out Honey I Blew Up The Kid! because there is a lot of crashing in that movie, so I will crash things too, and I love crashing...a lot.

My mom and dad do not like crashing at all. They took my big trucks away because I was throwing them while standing on top of the back of the couch. It was the best way to act like I'm in the movie. I like to be Adam when he is a giant toddler.  I also like the part where the real cars look like toy cars in giant Adam's hands. So I had to stand up there to throw the trucks down. It was the only way I could get the truck to look like it was the one in the movie, and for me to feel like I'm as big as Adam.

Since I didn't have my big cars and trucks, I had to come up with some other ideas of what to use to act the movie out. I decided I would use my little sisters stuffed cat to be "Big Bunny" and I used her dollhouse to be the house. That would be fun to throw on the floor and hear it crash.

I especially like anticipating the reaction of my mom and dad.  They run in shouting, "Stevie, no throwing toys!" and then they tell me I will have a time out if I keep doing it. But I like it so much and I need to keep myself awake so I did it again. Then I got a time-out and they said I couldn't play with the computer even though it was 10:00 am, because I had to go to my room. I couldn't calm down though. I kept playing loudly in my room so I could stay awake and wouldn't miss my time on the computer.

Around 10:30 am I was finally calm enough that they said I could play on the purple computer. I tried to find You-Tube videos of Honey I Blew Up The Kid so I could memorize the script better and learn the sound effects and background music. My dad said that was not allowed so I opened Garage Band and iMovie, and started creating my own videos.

I like to sing songs in multiple parts and then play them all together to make the different harmonies. Sometimes, if I don't like the words the song has, I will change them. I recorded Math-U-See's Skip Counting Facts song about the multiples of 7. I like to do the multiples differently so I recorded myself singing and saying, "7-14-21-28-35-38-43-51-58-63-70". It drives everyone crazy when I say the wrong numbers. I know the right ones, but I like these numbers in the song. So I recorded my voice correcting the numbers in Garage Band and blend it with the track of the Skip Counting Facts by Steve Demme. Then I imported it into iMovie to make the video. When I played the "Official Song" for everyone, my mom called me a stinker. I think she really liked it though.

When my time was up on the computer, I wanted to make it my own choice to end the time. I don't want anything else to make me stop when I am not ready. So I do something that will make my parents take the computer away from me. At about 5 minutes left of my time, I take the computer and turn it over on it's side. I used to just throw it off of the table but then I lost the computer for a forever-long time. I don't want that to happen so I just turn it on it's side to make my time finish on my own doing. Then I run to my room as fast as I can with my hands covering my ears because I KNOW it is coming:  Mom and Dad are going to call after me and tell me not to do that!  I like that part too. It's kind of like my routine now. It's just what I do.

But this time, my mom said I could not have the computer again at 6:00 pm because I tilted it on it's side again. I am supposed to be gentle. Now, I have to earn it back by being good, and since I lost it at 6:00 pm, I have to earn it for playing at 7:00 pm-- if I am good. I was not happy about that at all. That was a change in the schedule that I did not want to happen.

Then I remembered how tired I was because I didn't sleep much last night. I decided to watch Doc McStuffins and lay down on the couch. Now that I have to wait so many hours to get my computer time again, I might as well rest up so I will be awake for it. Plus, my new in-home supports person is coming and I don't want to play with her yet. Maybe I will just sleep through her time here and I won't have to play. Anyway, I want to play with my Mommy, not her.



Never Let Them See You Sweat: Maintaining Control

WMSJ's Skate for the Light Night brought the 10-year olds (Sage and Hope) and their Daddy out in another beautiful snowy day, full of great fun as they learned how to ice skate!

So while they were having a blast on ice, I was at home with the "littles". 

Initially, it was very quiet here.  Joy (18 months) wanted to watch home videos on my computer.  Stevie (7, autism) wanted to watch sections of his favorite videos on the TV in the other room on. All by himself.

As in, with nobody else there: including yours truly, and baby Joy.

So, when I had watched all the video clips I could stand to watch, I veered Joy  (read: I carried her) into the other room...that room, the one with Stevie...

As you could probably guess, it didn't go very well.

"No TV!  Turn it off!"

"It is off, Stevie."

"No shows? Goodbye, Mommy! Goodbye, Mommy! Go to the other room! Put Joy to bed!"

"Stevie, you cannot have this entire room and the TV all to yourself. It is everybody's house."

I continue holding Joy, as I flip through the videos, trying to find one that will let me sneak away from my still-attached-at-the-umbilical-cord daughter, who is, by the way, heavy!

Stevie pulls on my clothes, trying to move me out of the room. "Goodbye, Mommy!"

He pulls harder.

He pulls "this way" and "that way" and then his frustration and determination escalate quickly. OCD has met it's match in Stevie!

I know where this is going, and it could get ugly.  

But it might not: Just because it happened that way before, doesn't mean it will happen that way again.

So, I keep my cool. I hold Joy in one arm, and hug my fermenting child with the other arm. (This would be why God saw fit to give me twins first!)

I keep thinking:  I can't let him know that I am no longer able to physically handle him if he goes into a full-out tantrum. Rheumatoid Disease has left me easily hurt.There is no one here to help me with him. But I can't let him know  any of that. I can't let him see me sweat. I know God will help me in my time of need. I will act like I can handle this. I am in control-even when he wants to be the biggest control-freak in town. 

Besides being emotionally unregulated, Stevie seems confused... like he really wants to fight to the end, but then he looks and sees me: his Mommy, the one giving him a hug-- a hug that helps to ground him.  

So he doesn't fight. But, He's clearly conflicted.

I sit on the big fluffy brown chair with him and I finally set Joy down.

"Goodbye, Mommy!" he starts again: his cheeks red, his voice distressed, tears of frustration start to fall. He wiggles like he may try to push me off the chair, but I just hug him tighter, run my fingers through his hair to calm him.

"I'm not leaving, Stevie.  It is my house too and I am going to stay here."

And I did.

And he lost his control over the environment he sought after, as he maintained control over his body and emotions and calmed down. Wow. Now that took some serious self-control!

I am so impressed with him; he has come such a long way in the last year!


Here is a picture of the twins at the Ice Arena:

 Skate for the Light Night

The first picture must have been in the beginning because I heard that by the end of the night, they were whizzing around the rink!

The subject of control came up again, but this time it was about how much easier it seemed to maintain control while on ice skates, as opposed to roller skates.  I guess the wheels don't come off as easily on ice skates.

Maybe we should teach Stevie to ice skate, too :)

Proverbs 16:32  Better to be patient than powerful; better to have self-control than to conquer a city.  

Sometimes, we need to loose control over one area, in order to gain control over another. Like Stevie, we may be holding on to something that isn't ours in the first place.