The Great I AM

The Great I AM

Dear God,

We need rescuing.

 Last night when I cried out in my prayers while the discorded sounds from the day's chaos and pain wrestled with the sleep I was trying to grasp but could not reach, I begged for You to come and rescue our family.

Because, we just can't go on like this much longer.  I am exhausted: tired of the fighting, the meltdowns, the things thrown, the near misses, the constant messes, the unbelievable acts committed by my son. My beautiful son. We don't understand why he is doing these things. 

And I am not able to fix this. 

When I heard about Stevie's meltdown in the car on the way to church this morning, and that he and Daddy would not be able to come,  well I entertained the thought maybe you didn't hear me last night. 

But You did hear. You sang me our song--Yours and mine--the one you gave me years ago when Stevie was being diagnosed with autism.  As Mighty To Save was sung in service, it instantly reminded me of Your promise to save.

You can move the mountains.

You are able.

You are I AM.

You reminded me that this terribly messy life is to show others You, as You shine through the many broken places our frail frames hold, so the whole world can see that You are mighty to save. 

You are close to the broken hearted.

Today, sitting there by myself in the back of the church filled with people, I was exceptionally alone. But You sat next to me and then it was just You and me in that crowded room, crying together as the song sang on.  You were very much there; You gave me the embrace of your presence.

Thank you, God, that You are ALL that you are, so I don't have to be what I am not. 

Thank you for being infinitely stronger than all others, so I don't have to be stronger than I am.

Thank you that You have all the answers, so I don't have to know it all.

Thank you God, that You never tire of us, but You choose to partner with us in Your story.

Thank you God, that You are more than enough, all by yourself.

Thank you for being The Great I AM.

Zephaniah 3:17 "The Lord your God in your midst, the Mighty One, will save;  He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing."

I Found Myself Embracing Autism (Part 3)

 

I Found Myself Embracing Autism part 3I listen to her speak.

I listen to God speak.

Mighty To Save pours lyrics through my head, the music calms. Thoughts are shooting through my confused mind, the song organizes them.

Everyone needs compassion
A love that’s never failing
Let mercy fall on me

Everyone needs forgiveness
The kindness of a Savior
The hope of nations

I need compassion,  unfailing love, mercy and forgiveness. I need kindness, and saving.  But as much as I am so deeply aware of this need right now, I am also becoming more aware of the repeated word in the song: Everyone.

Everyone needs it–not just me.  And my mind is opening to the realization that it’s not about “just me”.  It is about more that that, it’s bigger than I can wrap my mind around at the moment.

Savior
He can move the mountains
My God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
Forever
Author of Salvation
He rose & conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

He is able to save. He can move the seemingly impossible mountains. He can heal autism. He can heal me. He can choose to do either because He is God, and He is Holy.  He does what is right.  Whether he does what I wish for or not, He can do it.  And he is good.  Good no matter what He chooses–to heal or not to heal does not change the fact that He is good, He is holy.

So take me as You find me
All my fears & failures
Fill my life again

All my fears and failures are so plentiful. I have doubted God.  I have thought he tricked me by giving me so much.  But He takes me anyway-a heap on the floor, emptied at His feet. Ready to be filled again.

I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in
Now I surrender (I surrender)

I give my life again to God.  I surrender my will, my child, my life.

I trust Him.  It’s bigger than me, so much bigger than me.  My hearts been broken for those who don’t know THIS God.  Those who don’t know, yet have to deal with all the nastiness this life can bring.

If God can do more to help them by allowing Stevie to have autism, than if he does not… If He is saying to me that He will use my life to help people know Him, because of my kids with autism…so they can rely on the same promises that have saved me…then it’s ok. It’s OK if Stevie has autism.

It’s ok.

God has a plan in this, too.  He is Mighty to Save.  He has promised to never leave me or forsake me. He has promised to help me. I am not alone in this.

With God, I can do anything. With God, I can do this.

I can raise this autism family, as hard as I fear it may get at times.  God promises me He is here with me; He will strengthen me and He will help me.

Savior
He can move the mountains
My God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
Forever
Author of Salvation
He rose & conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

Shine Your light &
Let the whole world see
We’re singing
For the glory
Of the risen King
Jesus

This is what this life is about.  To let the light God has place in me shine for all to see.  For other autism families to see that light and have hope.  Hope that leads to Saving.  They need to know this God that is not overwhelmed by what overwhelms us, but who sees all that goes on and reaches his hand in and helps.

You’re the Savior
You can move the mountains
Lord You are mighty to save
You are mighty to save
Forever
Author of Salvation
You rose & conquered the grave
Yes You conquered the grave

“I give him to You, God! I give him to you!” I cry out.

My voice paves a path for the Holy Spirt to reach down deep and pull up my will.  My voice hands it over to God. It’s not about my will. It’s about His.

As I consider that God really does keep his promises, and that what is too much for me, is not too much for Him, another song reaches my ears and I realize how I had put Him in a box and made him stay there.  On this weekend, God revealed to me some of his Bigness, and I have been blown away.  A complete paradigm shift took over my thinking and along with it, I realize how I had limited God in my mind.  The song is Be Magnified. It’s lyrics are the perfect prayer from me to God.  Humbled, I sing:

Be Magnified
I have made You too small in my eyes
O Lord, forgive me;
I have believed in a lie
That You were unable to help me.
But now, O Lord, I see my wrong
Heal my heart and show Yourself strong;
And in my eyes and with my song
O Lord, be magnified
O Lord, be magnified.
CHORUS:

Be magnified, O Lord
You are highly exalted;
And there is nothing You can’t do
O Lord, my eyes are on You.
Be magnified,
O Lord, be magnified.

Be magnified, O Lord
You are highly exalted;
And there is nothing You can’t do
O Lord, my eyes are on You.
Be magnified,
O Lord, be magnified.

I have leaned on the wisdom of men
O Lord, forgive me;
And I have responded to them
Instead of Your light and Your mercy.
But now, O Lord, I see my wrong
Heal my heart and show Yourself strong;
And in my eyes with my song
O Lord, be magnified
O Lord, be magnified.

A fresh memory floods my mind.  God reminds me of that day with Sage and Hope, when He showed me how perfect He made them.

And  again, this truth comforts me:  God knew all along that Stevie would have autism.  He made him that way on purpose, for a purpose. He is exactly the way He is supposed to be.

I haven’t lost anything. Stevie and Sage are here, made just as God intended.  I have gained everything.  I have gained fresh glimpses into a God so big no one can fathom it. I have gained more respect for how God made all people.

Society says this is good and that is damaged; this is perfect and that is ruined. Society says to me, “How sad that they have autism.” Society says this or that will cure them.  This or that will make them more like us.

But God says these are his work of art and He is making them more like Him. Ephesians 2:10  ”For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago”

I choose to believe God and in doing so, I have gone from being afraid of the “signs” of autism, to loving the the quirks and the uniqueness of autism.

I find so much joy and treasure in the way God made these boys, and I can not wait to see some of His purposes–those good things he planned for them– fulfilled in them and because of them.

Then one day when I wasn’t looking,

I found myself embracing autism.

[Click here to read part 1 or part 2.]