When You Need Answers




Today held another hard afternoon for Stevie. The bus rides home have been difficult again. Even after a good day at school today, the ride home was filled with gut wrenching screams accompanied by more aggression than I've seen in a long time. The distress on his face was enough to break even a strangers heart. Mine was trampled, shattered and spread all over the yard.

It's one of the hardest things to do, to send your precious child to school knowing that he may end up in meltdowns and restraints or seclusions.  Knowing he is under such great stress, not understood, and often not happy, but sending him to school anyway is purely an act of faith that it is the right thing to do and that God is watching out for him.

But today, today was extra hard. When he arrived home in a state of turmoil, curled under the bus seat screaming and kicking and pulling and scratching at the ed techs that were there to help him, it was just too much to take. What happened to him that he is this upset? What is going on?

The bus screeched off after Stevie was carried and pulled into the yard. He continues his cries, screams and attack, all aimed at me now.

How I wish I knew what the problem with the bus is, what would help him. How I would give anything in these moments to have my boy happy and playful again, and to end these episodes once and for all.

But I have no idea what is causing this. No idea where to turn next, how to advocate for him or even if advocating is needed.

In the midst of my own distress, I sit down to check email and try to distract myself. Pinterest pops up with an image and a verse: Psalm 25:5  "Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long."

Instantly Comfort calms me with whispers from God. He knows the truth of Stevie's situation and He knows the answer to his problems. He is my teacher, my Savior and my hope all day long.

I don't need to worry.

I only need to ask Him for the truth and guidance I need and He will supply it.

We still don't have the solution or even the whole story about what happened today, but I do have a calmness in my spirit that comes with the knowledge that

Stevie is in good hands.

"Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, every place you go; he's the one who will keep you on track." Proverbs 3:4-5 (The Message)

When Your Eyes are Wet

It's quiet today, When Your Eyes Are Wet. Usually the driver honks the horn to alert us that he has driven by, but not today. Today it's silence was loud enough to make it's presence known.

I put on my fleece-lined jacket and step through the cold breeze that nudges me to the end of the driveway and wait. It has been a long day.

Even longer for my boy.

His teacher rode with him, her arm comforting him as his eyes leaked wet down his face.  His eyes are red, his face so sad.

He stands up and and leans in to me as I squeeze him tight.

"He's had a rough afternoon" his teacher says. "I think it's just catching up with him."

I just feel his sadness. His overwhelming sadness.

We walk into the house and with a voice straining to  pull through his tightened neck, he asks for the iPad.

He walks straight to his room, covers himself with his blanket and cries, sweet sad tears.

I just rub his back. I have no words.

He asks for the iPad, again and I show him it is right beside him.

He lays his head on me and we just sit. I wait for him to talk and he rubs the wet off his eyes. "Blow-dry eyes please?".

I get the hair dryer and blow dry his eyes.  His face starts to relax, and the stress blows away with the air and tears.  His eyes closed, he looks like he did when riding with Daddy in the old white Miata with the hood down.

He plays with the iPad, and slowly gets back to his happy place.

45 minutes later, his body has calmed and I hear his giggling coming through smiling eyes...and the call of the peacock. He does an excellent imitation!

It is so hard, to not know what to do, or what happened, or what is wrong when your child is so distraught.  I didn't know what to do, but I felt the whispers to not talk. Just be there.  I felt the pull in my heart to do whatever he asks and when he asked for blow-drying his eyes,  I just did it.

"Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it." Isaiah 30:21

I didn't know that blowing dry his eyes would blow away the hard parts of the day and lead him to his happy place, but God did.


When we hit rock bottom, God holds us.  And He rubs our back and comforts us and just lets us be with Him. He knows just what we need, even if it's blow-drying our tears away.

He holds our tears in his bottle and they are precious to him even more than my boy's tears and sadness are precious to me.

There is nothing I'd rather do than just be with Stevie when he is sad, and I'm sure, that more than anything, God wants to be with us in the same way.  

He wants to dry our eyes, and give us comfort and peace.  

Will you let Him?

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God,which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6-7)